All Over Albany

All hail the gubernatorial 'stache

As you might have heard, David Paterson recently shaved off his beard -- but kept his mustache. The governor joked that it was part of cutbacks in the state.

The American Mustache Institute (warning: that site plays music) hailed Paterson's decision. From a letter to sent to the Paterson administration, congratulating the now 'stached governor:

You see, the beard or goatee represent what is known in the facial hair community as the "spousal compromise," which is the half-way meeting point between the utter weakness of the clean shaven and the sheer, unvarnished power of the Mustached American. It's where your spouse says to you,"My dear, I cannot manage the sheer awesomeness of that mustache. But a beard or goatee -- I could deal with that." Hence, the "spousal compromise."

Understand, however, what your new mustache means. As a freshly minted Mustached American in a position of authority, you represent much more than simply the good people of New York. You now represent a community of downtrodden Americans - people of Mustached American descent - for whom you stand as a sign that we are not only fit to hold positions in waste collection, motorcycle repair, and hospital equipment maintenance. You are proof that a Mustached American can be a Governor, a leader, a respected beacon of excellence.

The full communication is after the jump. Apparently our governor is now eligible for a "Goulet" -- if only someone will nominate him.

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Commandant Patterson,

It has come to the attention of the American Mustache Institute that you have chosen to remove your beard and to participate in the Mustached American lifestyle.

Let us first say: welcome. Indeed, we here at the American Mustache Institute -- a membership organization with chapter across the U.S., the bravest organization in the history of mankind, and the ACLU of the downtrodden Mustached American people -- applaud you and your new lifestyle choice.

You see, the beard or goatee represent what is known in the facial hair community as the "spousal compromise," which is the half-way meeting point between the utter weakness of the clean shaven and the sheer, unvarnished power of the Mustached American. It's where your spouse says to you,"My dear, I cannot manage the sheer awesomeness of that mustache. But a beard or goatee -- I could deal with that." Hence, the "spousal compromise."

Understand, however, what your new mustache means. As a freshly minted Mustached American in a position of authority, you represent much more than simply the good people of New York. You now represent a community of downtrodden Americans - people of Mustached American descent - for whom you stand as a sign that we are not only fit to hold positions in waste collection, motorcycle repair, and hospital equipment maintenance. You are proof that a Mustached American can be a Governor, a leader, a respected beacon of excellence.

Additionally, if you at any point were to consider shaving your labia sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater"), keep in mind what it states in the texts of the Dead Sea Scrolls and is also referenced in Leviticus. And that is, each time a mustache is shaved, an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth.

Your timing is also of great significance, as the AMI is currently seeking nominations for the "Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year" honor, which you can read more about here. We do hope your press flunkies, family, or friends nominate you -- and if you are fortunate enough to be chosen as a finalist and then possibly voted as the 'Goulet' -- that you can come to St. Louis on Oct. 30 at 'Stache Bash 2009 and claim your victory.

In closing, let me say that from the hearts of the Mustached American community, we thank you for joining our people, our way of life. The collective voting power of our people are now at your disposal. And we hope you recognize that you are now more than just the Governor of New York -- but a symbol of greatness.

Carry on.

Dr. Aaron Perlut
Chairman
The American Mustache Institute
(877) STACHE-1
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photo: ny.gov